Prince Edward Island Senator, Mike Duffy, offered an apology for forgetting where the hell he is most of the time. It turns out that Duffy has been on a long-term diet of Canadian bacon, Snickers and Red Bull, which has caused him to believe that Ottawa is located in the province of Prince Edward Island.
“I had no idea that what I ate could do so much to my state of mind,” Duffy said at a press conference. He then smiled and said, “How was I to know? Everyone loves bacon, candy bars and soda pop. All my friends do.”
Duffy has been in under the microscope lately for not maintaining a primary residence in the province he represents: he lives in Ottawa and claims to live in P.E.I. It now appears that he was living in the correct province the whole time, albeit inside his head.
“I have been ingesting large amounts of Canadian bacon, Snickers and Red Bull for years without issue,” Duffy said, “and I still don’t understand why it affected my brain the way that it did. I have been speaking to nutritionists and doctors about it. They think I need to stop eating bacon, so I’m going to do my best to cut down on eating bacon. They want the Snickers and the Red Bull gone as well, so I’m going to work on that.”
Duffy has agreed to pay back the expenses he has claimed on his Ottawa home, despite the mental illness he has suffered due to the gross ingesting of bacon, Snickers and Red Bull. Surprisingly, he plans to pay back the government purely in grade A Canadian bacon.
“This is top-of-the-line Canadian back bacon,” Duffy said. “Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Senator Patrick Brazeau both agreed that it is the best bacon they’ve ever tasted. Harper may lack transparency, but not about bacon. Brazeau may be a rapist, but he’s not a liar!”
When asked how the pork-swap could logically be accomplished, Duffy said, “Look, I have literally tons of bacon in my stores, seriously. Since I have to cut down, I’m going to bring part of my supply to parliament in lieu of my Ottawa expense claims. This will prove that The Duff don’t lie, and The Duff makes right.”
Seeing that Duffy has had open heart surgery in the past, it seems unlikely that his poor diet has gone unnoticed. On the plus side, the Canadian government will have an ample supply of bacon in its coffers, and Duffy will hopefully understand where the hell he is. That way, he can continue with the important work he needs to get done for the residents of Prince Edward Island.