God Makes Lemons Too

Stephen Harper, drunk on Jack Daniel's whiskey, refused to have his picture taken with a real cat

With the recent reminder that Mitt Romney strapped his doggie-carrier to the roof of his car, the Canadian media has been digging up some rather unsightly facts about Prime Minister Stephen Harper and his relationship with pets. Harper has been working hard to promote a pet-loving persona, with a special concentration on cats.

The Conservative Party’s website lists “Ten Things You Might Not Know About Prime Minister Stephen Harper,” and number nine, after his ability to speak Spanish and his love for movies, is that he also loves cats. According to sources close to the Prime Minister, this claim couldn’t be further from the truth.

“I was trying to get Mr. Harper to put away his bottle of Jack Daniel’s for a photo shoot,” a reliable source stated. “But he slurred several profanities at me, including the “F” and “C” words. When [the photographer] placed the kitten on his lap, Mr. Harper picked it up and threw it at the fireplace and slurred something about cooking it.  He clearly wanted to burn the kitten, but the fire screen did its job and protected the poor animal.”

The leaked photograph above depicts the severe amount of editing that went into the photo after it was finally taken. The photographer and his team were able to cut out a green screen representation of the kitten, which Harper agreed to hold for the photo. In the original, a bottle of Jack Daniel’s can be seen, and the Prime Minister’s face is fatter, angrier and glowing red.

The Prime Minister’s office briefly responded to the photograph by stating that “the Prime Minister denies all charges of animal and alcohol abuse. The image and its source are currently under investigation.”

Political analysts are reporting that although the next election is still in the distant future, the importance of political pets cannot be underestimated. In fact, a recent poll found that a majority of Canadians often vote strategically based on pet ownership, especially cat ownership involving verifiable love.

Will this alleged animal abuse dethrone the great dictator? It’s tough to say, but health care, the economy and the environment will have to stand aside until this question of cuddly kitties is sorted out.

Sporting the infamous Mask of Vulcan, Thomas Mulcair leads a protest in opposition to Bill C-309

After proving to be ineffective in challenging the Conservative Juggernaut’s slew of fast-tracked legislation, the NDP have pulled out a wild card that even Stephen Harper is concerned about.

The newest bill to be rubber-stamped by the current Conservative majority, Bill C-309, will send masked protesters to jail for up to ten years.  Thomas Mulcair, the leader of the official opposition, stepped into parliament yesterday and threatened to employ the legendary Mask of Vulcan if the Harper Government refused to scrap what he calls another “Big Brother Bill.”

Mulcair warns Conservatives about the mask

In a statement to the public, Harper called Mulcair’s bluff: “If Mr. Mulcair thinks that he can bully this government, he has another thing coming.  Besides, the Canadian people clearly understand that the mask in question is not real. It has no special powers at all, and if it did, Mr. Mulcair would be guilty of being a witch, warlock or whatever title you want to give such a sorcerer. ”

Witchcraft charges and repeated dishonesty aside, who could disagree with the man this time? After all, the mask is from folk lore and was made famous via The Mighty Hercules, a children’s cartoon from the 1960′s. Mulcair’s threat hit the mainstream media immediately, with reporters labelling him as “a loony short of a buck” and a “witch without a broom to clean up his mess.”

In response, Mulcair hit the streets of Ottawa, leading his wife and fellow protesters through the downtown core while brandishing the Mask of Vulcan. Late in the evening, when push came to shove, the authorities could not move Mulcair. After being struck with batons several times in the head, neck and abdomen, Mulcair stood erect without flinching. He simply laughed and shouted, “You’re tickling me!  Nothing can harm me, so long as I wear the Mask of Vulcan!”

The police eventually became tired of striking Mulcair and went home, leaving the protesters to continue their march. A war-drum beat and the chant, “You cannot harm us!  We have The Mask of Vulcan!,” could be heard bouncing off the buildings of downtown Ottawa until the early hours of the next morning.

Harper has not been available for comment, but it is likely that the NDP may get what they want this time. If Mulcair were to wear the Mask of Vulcan in the House of Commons, there’s no telling how many Conservatives might reconsider how they vote in fear that the mask may be used against them.

When it’s all said and done, there is one certainty: the Conservatives will patiently wait for the NDP to be careless with the mask. Once the Tories can get their hands on the Mask of Vulcan, the dictatorship will be complete.

Pierre Poutine is an enchanted order of Classique poutine from La Banquise, a restaurant in Montreal

Conspiracy theories have been flying around Parliament, but in this case, the truth is far stranger than fiction. Pierre Poutine and the robo calls placed in the recent Canadian election were, in fact, both creations of the conservative party. The party allegedly purchased an order of Classique poutine from La Banquise, a popular poutine restaurant in Montreal, and hired a witch to enchant it. The poutine is now a living member of the conservative party, and it turns out that the robo calls weren’t “robo” at all.  They were committed by a living wad of poutine codenamed “Lucky Pierre.”

Stephen Harper reveals the identity of Peirre Poutine

Canadians were shocked when Stephen Harper held a steamy pile of poutine on national television. While he handled the slippery mound of fries, cheese curds and gravy, he explained the situation.  “I think the Canadian people will understand that Mr. Poutine is a national treasure. Not only has Mr. Poutine worked hard for the federal government, he is a patriot and has done nothing wrong in his service for this great country.”

When asked about the misleading calls that sent voters to incorrect polling stations, Harper said, “the Canadian people understand that teaching poutine to make telephone calls isn’t an exact science.  The poutine must dial with fry tips and talk through gravy. But the point is that the Conservative Party won a clear majority, and would have done so without Mr. Poutine’s services.”

Harper stated that the party will not hold back on using poutine or any other enchanted food products to help them in future elections. As for the witch, the Conservative’s aren’t budging: they refuse to reveal her identity for fear that members of the opposition, especially those with French roots, may try to recruit her services. With the current value of enchanted poutine, the Conservatives’ lack of transparency is, for once, justifiable.

As for La Banquise, things are now crowded at the restaurant as hundreds wait in line to order Classique poutine. But without a witch’s dark magic, they’re just going to a get a fabulously greasy French meal with no human traits.

When asked for comment, the owner of La Banquise became upset and started screaming about a tabernacle and some sort of chalice. The significance of the tabernacle and chalice is not clear, but they are likely items used by the witch in the enchantment process. Without weighing her against a duck, it will be impossible to tell, but the owner could be the poutine witch responsible for Pierre Poutine and the Conservative Party’s robo calls.

Danielle Smith claims to be Ursula Quackburn, Demon Witch of the Northern Tar Sands

Albertans knew the 2012 provincial election was going to be crazy, and now that it’s over, crazy would be an understatement. Not only did Danielle Smith invoke Jesus and recruit Fred Phelps, she has now revealed herself to be Ursula Quackburn, Demon Witch of the North.

Shortly after the Wildrose failed to overtake Alberta’s parliament, reporters scrambled to find Smith, but she had disappeared without a trace. Apparently, she was in the back room transmuting into her original form of a Demon Witch.

She came back to the podium after about an hour, sporting a freshly carved pentagram on her forehead. “I’d like to apologize,” she said, “for those of my party who started spreading hatred too early. If it weren’t for the excessively eager evil-doers, we would have taken a large step forward in spreading hatred, racism and sexism across this land of unforgivable morality.”

When asked if being a demon witch would affect her new position in parliament or the party’s chances in the next election, she replied, “People were already suspicious this time around, and it didn’t stop them from awarding us 17 seats. Next time we’ll invoke Jesus much earlier, offer the pollsters and media outlets more incentives, and we’ll physically punish those who jump the gun on the bigotry.”

Alberta's Tar Sands: Smith's home for 3000 years

There were also some questions about Smith’s new identity and whether or not she is a true Albertan. Most in the room assumed that all demons and witches come from hell, which is not clearly defined as a part of Alberta. Smith/Quackburn retorted that she has been residing inside the tar sands in Northern Alberta for the last 3000 years. “The open-pit mining up north released me,” she said. “So there’s more Alberta in my venomous blood than all of yours put together.”

There is talk of some testing that will be done by the NDP up at Quackburn’s Tar Pit. They want to be sure that Smith/Quackburn really did reside there for the last 3000 years and plan to contest the election if they fail to find conclusive evidence.

Until then, it appears that Albertans now have a demon witch as the official opposition in parliament. The question is, can mere mortals deal with such a beast, and if so, for how long?

Alberta Wildrose leader, Danielle Smith, poses for a publicity shot with Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church. Phelps has agreed to help with the campaign on the last few days before the election

Danielle Smith and the Wildrose Party shocked Albertans yet again by recruiting the infamous hate-speech specialist, Fred Phelps, Pastor of the  Westboro Baptist Church. It’s hard to say what the strategy is in recruiting a man who is bat-shit crazy, but maybe the Wildrose figures it will balance out the invocation of Jesus a few days earlier.

It is also probable that there is a connection between Pastor Phelps and Wildrose candidate, Pastor Allan Hunsperger, who has written that homosexuals “will suffer the rest of eternity in a lake of fire, hell, a place of eternal suffering.”

Phelps supporting the Wildrose in Edmonton

Danielle Smith didn’t want to talk about whether the two knew each other before Phelps was recruited, but she did not deny it.  When asked about the sudden recruitment, Smith stated that Phelps was on board as a party supporter a long time ago and that his personal beliefs have nothing to do with what will be legislated if the Wildrose wins the election.  “We are worried about energy, health care and the well-being of Albertans. Fred, Al and the rest of the party are not focusing on moral issues.”

Smith failed to respond to questions about Phelps’ controversial background and refused to divulge if she agreed with the signs that appear in the Wildrose promotional photograph.”Let’s talk about issues that matter.  This is just media smear. We’re not interested in those that smear and hate for no reason.”

One topic that did seem to matter to Smith was Jesus. When asked where Jesus was at the moment, Smith smiled and held her bosom. “He’s in here.  He’s everywhere.”

She may be correct, but there have been rumours that J.C. has been in contact with the Conservative Party, and that there is a possibility of Him crossing the floor. At the moment, they are just rumours, but Smith didn’t like hearing them: “I want to make something clear,” she said. “Jesus Christ is a member of the Wildrose party. So watch your mouths. Or you’ll get what’s coming to you.”

Those were the last words that we heard from Smith today, and it’s no wonder that she’s upset. If the Conservative Party is able to lure Jesus to their side, they stand to take a clear majority.

As of this publication, Jesus is still listed, along with Phelps, on the Wildrose’s revision of the Alberta Government Website.

It appears that Phelps will be taking over the position of Human Services and Government House Leader. Is a Phelps-Jesus combination the winning hand? Can Smith hold the confidence of Jesus? We’ll just have to wait and see on April twenty three.