Author Archives: AlexanderTrout

Senator Duffy claims poor diet made him forget where he lives

Mike-Duffy-PEI-senator

Senator Mike Duffy enjoys a Snickers and Red Bull during his apology to his supposed home province

Prince Edward Island Senator, Mike Duffy, offered an apology for forgetting where the hell he is most of the time. It turns out that Duffy has been on a long-term diet of Canadian bacon, Snickers and Red Bull, which has caused him to believe that Ottawa is located in the province of Prince Edward Island.

“I had no idea that what I ate could do so much to my state of mind,” Duffy said at a press conference. He then smiled and said, “How was I to know? Everyone loves bacon, candy bars and soda pop. All my friends do.”

Duffy has been in under the microscope lately for not maintaining a primary residence in the province he represents: he lives in Ottawa and claims to live in P.E.I. It now appears that he was living in the correct province the whole time, albeit inside his head.

Duffy, Brazeau and Harper

Duffy shares bacon, Snickers and Red Bull with Senator Patrick Brazeau and Stephen Harper

“I have been ingesting large amounts of Canadian bacon, Snickers and Red Bull for years without issue,” Duffy said, “and I still don’t understand why it affected my brain the way that it did.  I have been speaking to nutritionists and doctors about it. They think I need to stop eating bacon, so I’m going to do my best to cut down on eating bacon. They want the Snickers and the Red Bull gone as well, so I’m going to work on that.”

Duffy has agreed to pay back the expenses he has claimed on his Ottawa home, despite the mental illness he has suffered due to the gross ingesting of bacon, Snickers and Red Bull. Surprisingly, he plans to pay back the government purely in grade A Canadian bacon.

“This is top-of-the-line Canadian back bacon,” Duffy said. “Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Senator Patrick Brazeau both agreed that it is the best bacon they’ve ever tasted. Harper may lack transparency, but not about bacon. Brazeau may be a rapist, but he’s not a liar!”

When asked how the pork-swap could logically be accomplished, Duffy said, “Look, I have literally tons of bacon in my stores, seriously.  Since I have to cut down, I’m going to bring part of my supply to parliament in lieu of my Ottawa expense claims. This will prove that The Duff don’t lie, and The Duff makes right.”

Seeing that Duffy has had open heart surgery in the past, it seems unlikely that his poor diet has gone unnoticed. On the plus side, the Canadian government will have an ample supply of bacon in its coffers, and Duffy will hopefully understand where the hell he is.  That way, he can continue with the important work he needs to get done for the residents of Prince Edward Island.This one's a real lemon

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Pope Benedict XVI’s successor revealed as Richard Simmons

who-is-the-pope

Pope Miltion Teagle I enthusiastically waves his hands in the air as he guides followers in a Christian hymn.

The members of the most recent papal conclave, in their divine wisdom, have made their official decision in electing Milton Teagle Simmons, otherwise known as Richard Simmons, of Beverly Hills, California, as the successor to Pope Benedict XVI. Simmons will now be known as Pope Milton Teagle I.

Fans waiting near the rear entrance to St. Peter’s Basilica, Rome, caught a quick glimps of Simmons as he exited his limo in a tutu and shouted, “they’re going to have to keep this new pope on a rope!”

Things were much different inside: the coronation was solemn, and the tutu had been swapped for formal pope regalia. Pope Benedict was the first to speak, briefly condemning the coronation: “Mr. Simmons is a homosexual and panderer of exercise videos to the weak, someone who has no place in the higher rankings of the church. The Devil is clearly among us.”

Benedict, looking cold and miserable, sat down as the crowd cheered for Simmons to step forward and accept the papacy. The liberalism Simmons has promised to bring to the church has garnered much enthusiasm: the Church is hoping the youth of today will see Simmons as a hip pope, one who will make Jesus cool again. There’s also the fact that Simmons has never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend, which makes him more qualified than the Cardinals and Bishops under Benedict’s wing.

Richard Simmons Pope

Pope Teagle is already promoting a new ecclesiastical video series

Simmons took his turn at the podium, energetically looking around the cathedral, winking and blowing kisses to those in attendance. “Ever since I was a wee, little boy,” he said, wiping tears from his eyes, “I always wanted to become a man of the Church. But God sent me on a mission to help the obese. I feel that I’ve done my work in making America look and feel beautiful, so it’s time to smother the world with juicy Jesus Christ!”

Then, with his trademark flamboyance, Simmons encouraged the crowd to chant back one of his new hymns, a hymn he sings in his new video series, Sweatin’ to the Hymns:

“Alter boys are not toys!”

“Having wives saves lives!”

“Divorce with no recourse”

“Sheathe the pole: use birth control!”

“Let females in. It’s not a sin!”

Some of the frontrunners who lost to Pope Teagle, such as Cardinal Angelo Scola, Cardinal Marc Ouellet, and Cardinal Angelo Bagnasco, stood up and shouted their protests like angry politicians, but their voices were drowned by the hymn. Benedict and others had already left the building.

So where does this leave the Roman Catholic Church? Well, it leaves them with Pope Milton Teagle I, an asexual liberal who plans to turn the Roman Catholic faith on its head by removing all sexual abuse, sexism and discrimination. Will Pope Teagle’s radical approaches be enough to attract a new generation to the Church? Only time will tell.This one's a real lemon

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Theresa Spence appalled by Harper’s Idle No More blunder

Stephen Harper & Theresa Spence

Harper rode into town ready to tell the Indians that Canadians were ready to stop using drive-thrus.

Stephen Harper has responded to his January 11th meeting with First-Nations chiefs, including Attawapiskat Chief, Theresa Spence, by sporting a head-dress and riding a horse through downtown Ottawa. His journey ended at a Tim Horton’s parking lot, where he made an announcement that was shocking, to say the least.

“Hello members of First Nations communities and all my fellow Canadians,” Harper said. “We have been brought together today to take a examine how we treat Mother Earth. Some of our conveniences, such as idling in drive-thrus, like the one right behind me, can poison the air that we breathe. We are here today to say that we shall idle no more!”

Harper went on to announce tax incentives for businesses that close their drive-thrus and spoke about promoting more social interaction among Canadians. Alternatives, such as walk-thrus and ride-thrus, would also be eligible for tax breaks. His final note was that the Federal Government would be pressuring cities to strike down bylaws against the use of horses, mules and donkeys on roadways.

It is likely that Harper was recommending the reconsideration of several emissions by-laws that were considered, and sometimes passed, by municipal governments over the past two decades.

When he called to Theresa Spence to come up to the podium for a response, she was already on her way to her silver-smooth Mercedes Benz, mumbling something about the Governor General and hitting a drive-thru on the way home.

She then pulled up in front of the crowd, her tinted window slowly sliding down.  “Hey, Stevie,” she shouted, offering him her middle finger. “Stick your lips on my tail pipe!”

Harper looked dumbfounded, standing there in his head dress, as the tires of the Mercedes screeched and the silver rocket took off down the street.This one's a real lemon

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Stephen Harper responds to scientists with Gnome of 1812

Harper and his gnome

Stephen Harper shows of a Gnome of 1812 in Parliament as a response to protesting scientists.

Stephen Harper pulled out another surprise trump in Parliament this morning after members of the opposition demanded a response to the Canadian scientists protesting the Conservative government’s extensive cuts, particularly on environmental projects.

Mulcair and his crew were shouting at Harper like seven-year-olds in a playground, arguing that Harper is willing to sell out his entire country to the first bidder. Harper stumbled in response.  That is, until he reached beneath his seat and revealed a Gnome of 1812.

“The Canadian people do not want to hear us argue about nonsense,” the Prime Minister said. “They want to hear about issues that are important to this country, like the War of 1812. Our strong, stable, majority government will be producing several thousand unique gnomes to celebrate our heritage and the history of a magnificent war in which Canadians triumphed over evil.”

Harper & gnome at G20

Harper with a Gnome of 1812 at the G20

Parliament became silent. Mulcair sat down, speechless.  Harper had done it again.

The Gnome of 1812 hadn’t been used since the G20 when Harper placed it on his desk to distract international leaders when they started criticizing his petrol-fueled superiority complex. But they didn’t fall for it.  In fact, some of them argued that it should be Britain celebrating the War of 1812 and that gnomes aren’t Canadian at all: they are of Germanic creation.

But Harper is no dummy.  He learns from his mistakes, and this incident was no exception.  It was clear that Canadians are the only ones who can fully understand and value true Canadian heritage. Only Canadians can understand the value of a Gnome of 1812.

The scientists are outside screaming for more money, and they will get what they want. Of course, the funds won’t be for scientific research, but biologists will have a beautiful Gnome of 1812 to place in each of their empty greenhouses.

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Air Canada flaunts new “Don’t Like it? Eat Shit!” campaign

Air Canada service sucks

After inquiring about poor service, a man and his wife listen as an Air Canada employee tells them to eat shit

Air Canada unveiled a new advertising campaign slogan, Don’t like it? Eat Shit!, earlier this afternoon. Many embrace the honesty behind the slogan, but government officials fear that some Canadians may take the slogan literally and start ingesting their own fecal matter.

Air Canada’s current CEO, Calin Rovinescu, and other company executives are still pulling in millions, even after company shares have slumped by a whopping 70% in the last year.  When asked by the press why he believes he deserves millions, Rovinescu said, “I don’t give a shit what you or anyone else thinks.”

There you have it. It would seem that Rovinescu should care as the Canadian public has taken on the roll of Fairy Bail-your-ass-out-mother several times when the airline’s deplorable service sent it to the chopping block.

Air Canada Sucks

After being told to eat shit, a customer becomes aggressive.  Employees gather to aid their comrade

“It’s quite a simple equation,” Rovinescu said. “If they don’t like it, they still have to pay for it. And all employees now have the right to tell any one of our ungrateful customers to eat shit if they don’t like the service they’re getting. The campaign also helps employees vent frustrations caused by the recent back-to-work legislation.”

When asked if he thought the new slogan might offend guests to the point of abandoning the airline permanently, Rovinescu laughed and said, “Canadians are stupid. They shop online with the assumption that when they get to the airport, there will be someone there who gives a shit that they paid $1500 for a ticket to who-knows-where. As far as I’m concerned, once the clams are in the coffers, we don’t have to give a shit any longer. This isn’t a new strategy. We play ball the same way Stephen Harper does.”

Rovinescu is confident that the new slogan will represent the company in an honest, transparent way. Because of the new slogan, the company plans to cut back their complaint department by 64% over the next year as most disgruntled customers will be dealt with on the front lines. The email runarounds and false promises offered on the phone will now be handled at the front counter with a concise, Don’t like it? Eat shit!This one's a real lemon

 Air Canada Suck t-shirt

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