President Barrack Obama met with Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, in India earlier this week to talk about terrorism, nuclear weapons and defending North America. Oddly, Obama came armed with an arms deal: he presented the Canadian leader with the potential sale of 300 armoured white elephants, each equipped with patriot missiles, the kind that he assured could “smoke out even the sneakiest Muslim freedom-haters.”
After the meeting, Harper visited with Dunbuy Zedgetts, Obama’s Indian arms dealer who is breeding the elephants. Zedgetts presented Harper with a bronze of the Indian Ceremonial Raping Centaur, the highest gesture an Indian arms dealer can offer a prospective international client.
A few days later, Harper announced that he had signed a contract for the first 100 elephants, which are almost ready to go, and for the 200 that are still in the breeding process. The deal is set to be wrapped up by late 2018, and will cost Canucks the same ballpark 25-billion that the F-35′s would have.
“I believe the Canadian people will agree that trunks are stronger than wings,” Harper Said. “Not only can these elephants launch full-scale patriots, they can carry supplies and troops deep into enemy territory.” When asked about the elephants’ sluggish speeds, health concerns and maintenance, Harper repeatedly stated, “these magnificent animals blend right into desert landscapes. Many Muslim radicals claimed they couldn’t spot them, even from short distances.”
The press, clearly frustrated with the lack of details behind the purchase, were satiated by Finance Minister, Jim Flaherty, whom showcased copies of “Homeland Security for Dummies,” apparently gifts from Barrack Obama.
“This manual,” Flaherty said, “breaks down the cost per elephant and per missile.”
When asked about the value of the elephants vs. the F-35′s, Flaherty said that the change in purchase was a no-brainer: “We can sell ivory harvested from retired elephants on ebay. Ebay allows the sale of pianos with ivory keys, so our government will start producing pianos once the first batch of elephants are retired from active duty.” He also reminded the press about increased Canadian natural resource sales, like the bullshit being piped to the south.
In the end, the real question isn’t whether or not the elephants can kill radical Muslims seeking a nuclear holocaust; it’s whether or not the Canadian government can convince large numbers of Canadians to take up the piano so that they can flip the bill for 300 white elephants. Harper can play, we know, so maybe these elehants are another distraction so that he can force what he believes are magnificent hobbies on his people.