Hundreds of criminal students are being arrested daily in Montreal, and Jean Charest’s Bill 78 isn’t slowing the criminals down. In fact, they seem to be multiplying like French squirrels, and much like squirrels, they’re getting into everything.
When first asked what he was going to do with all the kettled conspirators, Charest claimed that he didn’t know. However, it turns out that Mr. Charest was keeping quiet about a planned secret expansion of McGill University. His silence has ended.
“We will be converting an abandoned prison complex into a McGill campus and residence,” Charest stated in a press release this morning. “The students will be comfortable, and their education costs will not go up a penny. We will be using bill 78 as a recruitment tool and nothing more.”
Although incarceration and education fall under provincial jurisdiction, Charest brought in Prime Minister Stephen Harper as a consultant on the project. Seeing that Harper has an avid interest in prisons, imprisoning Canadians and constructing prisons, he was more than willing to see what Charest had on the table.
“I think the Canadian people will respect Mr. Charest’s decision to build a new campus for McGill University,” Harper said. “This new campus will produce the kind of bright-minded Canadian citizens we want to see moving this country forward in the future.”
The bright-minded students Harper is referring to would be those studying management, as the only degree offered in the new prison school is a Bachelor of Commerce. Charest and Harper have personally guaranteed that the students will enjoy their new direction in life.
“I found anything to do with management to be artistic, musical and filled with statistics, politics and human conditions,” Charest said. “It is all disciplines–from the conceptual arts to the hard sciences–condensed into a pure form, which is why Mr. Harper and I chose the Bachelor of Commerce as the sole degree offered. It is the most well-rounded education you could offer any student.”
The new school is set to open tomorrow, and Charest is confident the enrollment numbers, via bill 78, will be high. He’s hoping to be at capacity in the first week so that emergency federal funding for an expansion can be fast-tracked.
Canadians have been demanding less jail time, less jails and more social programs to help those who turn to crime. In a sense, Charest and Harper are finally listening. These criminals will receive a discounted university education that includes housing, books and three square meals per day. Who could ask for more?