Charest and Harper approve McGill University Prison campus

Charest and Harper in University Prison

Charest and Harper shake hands after touring McGill’s new satellite prison campus.
It is said to house up to one thousand unlawful students, with the potential expansion to two thousand.

Hundreds of criminal students are being arrested daily in Montreal, and Jean Charest’s Bill 78 isn’t slowing the criminals down.  In fact, they seem to be multiplying like French squirrels, and much like squirrels, they’re getting into everything.

When first asked what he was going to do with all the kettled conspirators, Charest claimed that he didn’t know. However, it turns out that Mr. Charest was keeping quiet about a planned secret expansion of McGill University. His silence has ended.

“We will be converting an abandoned prison complex into a McGill campus and residence,” Charest stated in a press release this morning. “The students will be comfortable, and their education costs will not go up a penny. We will be using bill 78 as a recruitment tool and nothing more.”

Although incarceration and education fall under provincial jurisdiction, Charest brought in Prime Minister Stephen Harper as a consultant on the project. Seeing that Harper has an avid interest in prisons, imprisoning Canadians and constructing prisons, he was more than willing to see what Charest had on the table.

McGill Prison Degree in Commerce

Charest holds up the degree offered at the new prison campus

“I think the Canadian people will respect Mr. Charest’s decision to build a new campus for McGill University,” Harper said. “This new campus will produce the kind of bright-minded Canadian citizens we want to see moving this country forward in the future.”

The bright-minded students Harper is referring to would be those studying management, as the only degree offered in the new prison school is a Bachelor of Commerce. Charest and Harper have personally guaranteed that the students will enjoy their new direction in life.

“I found anything to do with management to be artistic, musical and filled with statistics, politics and human conditions,” Charest said. “It is all disciplines–from the conceptual arts to the hard sciences–condensed into a pure form, which is why Mr. Harper and I chose the Bachelor of Commerce as the sole degree offered.  It is the most well-rounded education you could offer any student.”

The new school is set to open tomorrow, and Charest is confident the enrollment numbers, via bill 78, will be high. He’s hoping to be at capacity in the first week so that emergency federal funding for an expansion can be fast-tracked.

Canadians have been demanding less jail time, less jails and more social programs to help those who turn to crime. In a sense, Charest and Harper are finally listening. These criminals will receive a discounted university education that includes housing, books and three square meals per day. Who could ask for more?This one's a real lemon

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Stephen Harper tries to burn kitten during photo shoot

Stephen Harper Hates Cats

Stephen Harper, drunk on Jack Daniel’s whiskey, refused to have his picture taken with a real cat

With the recent reminder that Mitt Romney strapped his doggie-carrier to the roof of his car, the Canadian media has been digging up some rather unsightly facts about Prime Minister Stephen Harper and his relationship with pets. Harper has been working hard to promote a pet-loving persona, with a special concentration on cats.

The Conservative Party’s website lists “Ten Things You Might Not Know About Prime Minister Stephen Harper,” and number nine, after his ability to speak Spanish and his love for movies, is that he also loves cats. According to sources close to the Prime Minister, this claim couldn’t be further from the truth.

“I was trying to get Mr. Harper to put away his bottle of Jack Daniel’s for a photo shoot,” a reliable source stated. “But he slurred several profanities at me, including the “F” and “C” words. When [the photographer] placed the kitten on his lap, Mr. Harper picked it up and threw it at the fireplace and slurred something about cooking it.  He clearly wanted to burn the kitten, but the fire screen did its job and protected the poor animal.”

The leaked photograph above depicts the severe amount of editing that went into the photo after it was finally taken. The photographer and his team were able to cut out a green screen representation of the kitten, which Harper agreed to hold for the photo. In the original, a bottle of Jack Daniel’s can be seen, and the Prime Minister’s face is fatter, angrier and glowing red.

The Prime Minister’s office briefly responded to the photograph by stating that “the Prime Minister denies all charges of animal and alcohol abuse. The image and its source are currently under investigation.”

Political analysts are reporting that although the next election is still in the distant future, the importance of political pets cannot be underestimated. In fact, a recent poll found that a majority of Canadians often vote strategically based on pet ownership, especially cat ownership involving verifiable love.

Will this alleged animal abuse dethrone the great dictator? It’s tough to say, but health care, the economy and the environment will have to stand aside until this question of cuddly kitties is sorted out.This one's a real lemon

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Thomas Mulcair Protests Bill C-309 With Mask of Vulcan

Mulcair and the Mask of Vulcan

Sporting the infamous Mask of Vulcan, Thomas Mulcair leads a protest in opposition to Bill C-309

After proving to be ineffective in challenging the Conservative Juggernaut’s slew of fast-tracked legislation, the NDP have pulled out a wild card that even Stephen Harper is concerned about.

The newest bill to be rubber-stamped by the current Conservative majority, Bill C-309, will send masked protesters to jail for up to ten years.  Thomas Mulcair, the leader of the official opposition, stepped into parliament yesterday and threatened to employ the legendary Mask of Vulcan if the Harper Government refused to scrap what he calls another “Big Brother Bill.”

Thomas Mulcair and the mask of vulcan

Mulcair warns Conservatives about the mask

In a statement to the public, Harper called Mulcair’s bluff: “If Mr. Mulcair thinks that he can bully this government, he has another thing coming.  Besides, the Canadian people clearly understand that the mask in question is not real. It has no special powers at all, and if it did, Mr. Mulcair would be guilty of being a witch, warlock or whatever title you want to give such a sorcerer. ”

Witchcraft charges and repeated dishonesty aside, who could disagree with the man this time? After all, the mask is from folk lore and was made famous via The Mighty Hercules, a children’s cartoon from the 1960′s. Mulcair’s threat hit the mainstream media immediately, with reporters labelling him as “a loony short of a buck” and a “witch without a broom to clean up his mess.”

In response, Mulcair hit the streets of Ottawa, leading his wife and fellow protesters through the downtown core while brandishing the Mask of Vulcan. Late in the evening, when push came to shove, the authorities could not move Mulcair. After being struck with batons several times in the head, neck and abdomen, Mulcair stood erect without flinching. He simply laughed and shouted, “You’re tickling me!  Nothing can harm me, so long as I wear the Mask of Vulcan!”

The police eventually became tired of striking Mulcair and went home, leaving the protesters to continue their march. A war-drum beat and the chant, “You cannot harm us!  We have The Mask of Vulcan!,” could be heard bouncing off the buildings of downtown Ottawa until the early hours of the next morning.

Harper has not been available for comment, but it is likely that the NDP may get what they want this time. If Mulcair were to wear the Mask of Vulcan in the House of Commons, there’s no telling how many Conservatives might reconsider how they vote in fear that the mask may be used against them.

When it’s all said and done, there is one certainty: the Conservatives will patiently wait for the NDP to be careless with the mask. Once the Tories can get their hands on the Mask of Vulcan, the dictatorship will be complete.This one's a real lemon

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Robo Calls & Pierre Poutine: The Conservative Party to Blame

Pierre Poutine robocalls

Pierre Poutine is an enchanted order of Classique poutine from La Banquise, a restaurant in Montreal

Conspiracy theories have been flying around Parliament, but in this case, the truth is far stranger than fiction. Pierre Poutine and the robo calls placed in the recent Canadian election were, in fact, both creations of the conservative party. The party allegedly purchased an order of Classique poutine from La Banquise, a popular poutine restaurant in Montreal, and hired a witch to enchant it. The poutine is now a living member of the conservative party, and it turns out that the robo calls weren’t “robo” at all.  They were committed by a living wad of poutine codenamed “Lucky Pierre.”

Pierre Poutine Conservative

Stephen Harper reveals the identity of Peirre Poutine

Canadians were shocked when Stephen Harper held a steamy pile of poutine on national television. While he handled the slippery mound of fries, cheese curds and gravy, he explained the situation.  “I think the Canadian people will understand that Mr. Poutine is a national treasure. Not only has Mr. Poutine worked hard for the federal government, he is a patriot and has done nothing wrong in his service for this great country.”

When asked about the misleading calls that sent voters to incorrect polling stations, Harper said, “the Canadian people understand that teaching poutine to make telephone calls isn’t an exact science.  The poutine must dial with fry tips and talk through gravy. But the point is that the Conservative Party won a clear majority, and would have done so without Mr. Poutine’s services.”

Harper stated that the party will not hold back on using poutine or any other enchanted food products to help them in future elections. As for the witch, the Conservative’s aren’t budging: they refuse to reveal her identity for fear that members of the opposition, especially those with French roots, may try to recruit her services. With the current value of enchanted poutine, the Conservatives’ lack of transparency is, for once, justifiable.

As for La Banquise, things are now crowded at the restaurant as hundreds wait in line to order Classique poutine. But without a witch’s dark magic, they’re just going to a get a fabulously greasy French meal with no human traits.

When asked for comment, the owner of La Banquise became upset and started screaming about a tabernacle and some sort of chalice. The significance of the tabernacle and chalice is not clear, but they are likely items used by the witch in the enchantment process. Without weighing her against a duck, it will be impossible to tell, but the owner could be the poutine witch responsible for Pierre Poutine and the Conservative Party’s robo calls.This one's a real lemon

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Wildrose Party Loses Election: Smith Revealed as Demon

Danielle Smith Demon Witch

Danielle Smith claims to be Ursula Quackburn, Demon Witch of the Northern Tar Sands

Albertans knew the 2012 provincial election was going to be crazy, and now that it’s over, crazy would be an understatement. Not only did Danielle Smith invoke Jesus and recruit Fred Phelps, she has now revealed herself to be Ursula Quackburn, Demon Witch of the North.

Shortly after the Wildrose failed to overtake Alberta’s parliament, reporters scrambled to find Smith, but she had disappeared without a trace. Apparently, she was in the back room transmuting into her original form of a Demon Witch.

She came back to the podium after about an hour, sporting a freshly carved pentagram on her forehead. “I’d like to apologize,” she said, “for those of my party who started spreading hatred too early. If it weren’t for the excessively eager evil-doers, we would have taken a large step forward in spreading hatred, racism and sexism across this land of unforgivable morality.”

When asked if being a demon witch would affect her new position in parliament or the party’s chances in the next election, she replied, “People were already suspicious this time around, and it didn’t stop them from awarding us 17 seats. Next time we’ll invoke Jesus much earlier, offer the pollsters and media outlets more incentives, and we’ll physically punish those who jump the gun on the bigotry.”

danielle-smith-tar-sands

Alberta’s Tar Sands: Smith’s home for 3000 years

There were also some questions about Smith’s new identity and whether or not she is a true Albertan. Most in the room assumed that all demons and witches come from hell, which is not clearly defined as a part of Alberta. Smith/Quackburn retorted that she has been residing inside the tar sands in Northern Alberta for the last 3000 years. “The open-pit mining up north released me,” she said. “So there’s more Alberta in my venomous blood than all of yours put together.”

There is talk of some testing that will be done by the NDP up at Quackburn’s Tar Pit. They want to be sure that Smith/Quackburn really did reside there for the last 3000 years and plan to contest the election if they fail to find conclusive evidence.

Until then, it appears that Albertans now have a demon witch as the official opposition in parliament. The question is, can mere mortals deal with such a beast, and if so, for how long?This one's a real lemon

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