Rick Santorum Leads Gay Parade

The American Republican candidate, Rick Santorum, has finally come out of the closet and admitted that all of the hateful statements he’s made against the gay community were simply to hide the pain of being in the closet for so many years.  In fact, he was spotted, shortly after the announcement, in chilly San Fransisco, heading The Warm Up, the city’s first gay parade of the year.  The gays, so often willing to offer undying forgiveness, pronounced him “Mr. Gay Pride, 2012.”

Rick Santorum is Gay

The homosexuals were hesitant, but Santorum was serious: he whipped off his shirt, threw it in the air and pranced down Market Street

Rick has had some pretty rough times in the press, mostly because he has pointedly stated that homosexuality is not “Man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be, it is one thing.” It’s a good thing he cleared that up as so many thought it clearly was man on child and man on dog. Santorum’s clarifications motivated Dan Savage to create a website dedicated to redefining Santorum.  If you want to see just how successful Savage’s site has become, try googling “santorum.”  You’ll get a definition listed under the first link, and if you click it, you get this:

santorum definition

Maybe it was the pressure from people like Savage that finally caused Santorum to pick up a rainbow flag and hit the streets. Many cheered him on as he offered hugs to several men, women and transgendered individuals. Some even cried.  At the end of the march, his republican team had a podium waiting for him. Behind the podium was something covered in red velvet, clearly another surprise for the crowd.

Here is his speech, by way of Mimi, a transvestite who recorded it on her cellular phone:

My dearest gay and lesbian and transgendered Americans, I stand before you this afternoon, stripped of my bigotry. I want to thank you for naming me Mr. Gay Pride of 2012, and I want all of you to know that I plan to carry the rainbow torch not only for this single year, but for the rest of my life. It’s time to end the pain and start the healing process, and I can tell you one thing for sure: we’re going to have so many gay marriages my first year in office, they’ll have to build a thousand new chapels in Vegas alone. People across this beautiful nation will hit the isle in any church or chapel they see fit, some of them with a light fragrance a la santorum. From this day forward, my new campaign slogan will be, “Everyone Needs a Little Santorum!” Chant it loud; chant it proud! And now, In closing, I would like to introduce to you a painting created by a dear friend of mine, Bijijoo, in honour of this wonderful day. I will be offering free prints to those of you who have joined me here on this memorable occasion. Show them off and spread the word: Everyone needs a little santorum!

Santorum pulled away the red velvet to reveal a surreal painting which depicts an inside view of his bedroom.

Rick Santorum Painting

Santorum should have brought more: 500 prints of Bijijoo's painting lasted less than ten minutes

He then left the podium to hand out prints of the painting and to shake hands with the crowd. His team opened up a small booth where bystanders could receive condoms and lube samples.

After the 500 prints were snatched up, Santorum was gracious enough to throw on a hoodie and talk shop with those who were interested. When pressed about his wife, he replied, “I don’t want to go there tonight . . . or ever again!” His humour, often centered around santorum jokes, carried on for the remainder of his stay.

It’s amazing to see such a changed man. After all, only yesterday, Santorum was criticized as being one of the leading bigots in North America.  Now he’s part of the team he’s always been batting for.  Let’s just hope he hits it out of the park on election day.This one's a real lemon

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One Response to Rick Santorum Leads Gay Parade

  1. Emily says:

    Well that’s gay

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