Conspiracy theories have been flying around Parliament, but in this case, the truth is far stranger than fiction. Pierre Poutine and the robo calls placed in the recent Canadian election were, in fact, both creations of the conservative party. The party allegedly purchased an order of Classique poutine from La Banquise, a popular poutine restaurant in Montreal, and hired a witch to enchant it. The poutine is now a living member of the conservative party, and it turns out that the robo calls weren’t “robo” at all. They were committed by a living wad of poutine codenamed “Lucky Pierre.”
Canadians were shocked when Stephen Harper held a steamy pile of poutine on national television. While he handled the slippery mound of fries, cheese curds and gravy, he explained the situation. “I think the Canadian people will understand that Mr. Poutine is a national treasure. Not only has Mr. Poutine worked hard for the federal government, he is a patriot and has done nothing wrong in his service for this great country.”
When asked about the misleading calls that sent voters to incorrect polling stations, Harper said, “the Canadian people understand that teaching poutine to make telephone calls isn’t an exact science. The poutine must dial with fry tips and talk through gravy. But the point is that the Conservative Party won a clear majority, and would have done so without Mr. Poutine’s services.”
Harper stated that the party will not hold back on using poutine or any other enchanted food products to help them in future elections. As for the witch, the Conservative’s aren’t budging: they refuse to reveal her identity for fear that members of the opposition, especially those with French roots, may try to recruit her services. With the current value of enchanted poutine, the Conservatives’ lack of transparency is, for once, justifiable.
As for La Banquise, things are now crowded at the restaurant as hundreds wait in line to order Classique poutine. But without a witch’s dark magic, they’re just going to a get a fabulously greasy French meal with no human traits.
When asked for comment, the owner of La Banquise became upset and started screaming about a tabernacle and some sort of chalice. The significance of the tabernacle and chalice is not clear, but they are likely items used by the witch in the enchantment process. Without weighing her against a duck, it will be impossible to tell, but the owner could be the poutine witch responsible for Pierre Poutine and the Conservative Party’s robo calls.