Two women are duking it out for the position of Alberta Premier, and one of them, Danielle Smith, pulled trump by invoking Jesus Christ at a press release this morning. Smith was being battered with questions about her statements on conscience rights, her controversial views on moral issues, so she called on The Creator for assistance.
Many of her previous quotes have stirred the political pot, but she says that thanks to Jesus, she has changed her ways:
- She no longer wants to deprive impoverished women of a right to an abortion
- She now loves and supports alternative lifestyles (gays, swingers etc.)
- She no longer wants university students to pledge that they will follow biblical morality
- She no longer wants to dodge the Charter of Rights and Freedoms in order to impose her personal beliefs on others
As expected, several journalists started aiming questions at Jesus, but He wouldn’t allow Smith’s spotlight to shine his heavenly way. Instead, He remained silent and radiant throughout the press conference.
When asked if she would be removing all of her previous religious and moral values from her politics, Smith replied, “yes, for the most part. Jesus and I have spoken for many hours on many subjects, both in prayer and in person, and we agree that most of my old political beliefs went directly against His teachings of tolerance and love. The only policy we still wish to implement is the teaching of creationism in public schools. We’ll eventually move toward removing Darwinian theory, but that’s not something that is an immediate priority.”
Seeing that Jesus Christ was standing right next to her, no one questioned the proposed change in curriculum. However, some reporters became upset because He would not answer repeated questions about the new changes that are sure to affect Canadian children’s understanding of the world around them.
“Jesus is already starting to sound like a typical Canadian politician,” Jack Christie of the Edmonton Journal said. “He clearly understands the vow of silence.”
After witnessing Jesus’ miraculous appearance, Alison Redford, the current Premier of Alberta, left the building, clearly upset. As she approached her limo, ice cubes clinking in her drink, she turned to reporters and said, “Democracy is pure theatre,” borrowing the words of her adversary. As the limo peeled away, she thrust her head out the window: “That man is a god-damned fraud! I’ll bring the real Jesus to the debate tomorrow in Edmonton!”
Is Redford is grasping at straws? It would seem so, as it is hard to condemn Smith’s Jesus as a fraud. After all, she had been a selfish bigot for years before this press release. Who else could straighten all the misconceptions of the bible inside her head overnight?
Danielle Smith will likely be the new Premier of Alberta, and Jesus Christ the new Deputy Premier. The Wild Rose Party has started revising the government website, and Jesus’ name is already up there. Hopefully the son of God will be more willing to respond to questions from the press after both He and Smith take office.