Albertans knew the 2012 provincial election was going to be crazy, and now that it’s over, crazy would be an understatement. Not only did Danielle Smith invoke Jesus and recruit Fred Phelps, she has now revealed herself to be Ursula Quackburn, Demon Witch of the North.
Shortly after the Wildrose failed to overtake Alberta’s parliament, reporters scrambled to find Smith, but she had disappeared without a trace. Apparently, she was in the back room transmuting into her original form of a Demon Witch.
She came back to the podium after about an hour, sporting a freshly carved pentagram on her forehead. “I’d like to apologize,” she said, “for those of my party who started spreading hatred too early. If it weren’t for the excessively eager evil-doers, we would have taken a large step forward in spreading hatred, racism and sexism across this land of unforgivable morality.”
When asked if being a demon witch would affect her new position in parliament or the party’s chances in the next election, she replied, “People were already suspicious this time around, and it didn’t stop them from awarding us 17 seats. Next time we’ll invoke Jesus much earlier, offer the pollsters and media outlets more incentives, and we’ll physically punish those who jump the gun on the bigotry.”
There were also some questions about Smith’s new identity and whether or not she is a true Albertan. Most in the room assumed that all demons and witches come from hell, which is not clearly defined as a part of Alberta. Smith/Quackburn retorted that she has been residing inside the tar sands in Northern Alberta for the last 3000 years. “The open-pit mining up north released me,” she said. “So there’s more Alberta in my venomous blood than all of yours put together.”
There is talk of some testing that will be done by the NDP up at Quackburn’s Tar Pit. They want to be sure that Smith/Quackburn really did reside there for the last 3000 years and plan to contest the election if they fail to find conclusive evidence.